Things are very stressful and hectic right now with court going on. I can’t talk about the case or what is happening in the courtroom, but it’s insanely funny and just plain fucked up at the same time. I’m glad that I’m 27 and going through this, and not 15.

I am in a better place emotionally than I was twelve years ago, that’s for sure. I would not have been able to do what I did if I wasn’t. I just have to keep telling myself that it is for Jack. I have to be brave and strong and stable and put aside my feelings of disgust and resentment and anger and hurt. I have to stop letting the pain come back in, and I’ll be honest about it… I’m having a hard time.

I just want to say first, that I’m okay. I’ll be okay. I just need to vent a little bit, and get some of it out. So, if you don’t feel like reading any further, hit your back button and find something else to read. If you want to keep reading, click ‘more’.I wish that all of those feelings chasing around in my head would just hit me all at once and get it over with. Maybe I need to just completely break down for a  few hours while someone watches my children. I feel, I don’t know, maybe like I’m rushed? I can’t really explain it. It could be just that my mind is keeping itself super busy so that I don’t break down yet. God knows that I need to, but I just can’t yet. That hasn’t stopped little things from creeping through my unconsious, though. I was sitting in the bathtub, staring at my wrinkled toes when I was hit out of nowhere by a memory of my father saying something truly ugly to me. Tears were pouring down before I really even realized I was crying, and I just slid under the water and held my breath for as long as I could. It was all that I could do. When I came back up for air, I was fine. On the drive home from Houston, I looked in my ‘catch-a-kid mirror’ and just seeing Jack’s little chubby face as he slept in his carseat nearly sent me over the edge, because I cannot, for the life of me, understand how someone could ever hurt a child like we were hurt.

I’ll never understand it. I’ll never get an answer to the questions ‘Why?’.

I’ll never trust people the way that they deserve to be trusted. They have done nothing, yet they have to live with the consequences of someone else’s actions.

I’ll never be able to fully let it go, and I’m angry at him for that.

I’m not going to let this rule my life right now. I just needed to get some of this out. I really am okay, okay?

In other news, I killed all eleven of our tadpoles, and two of Hunter’s fish!!! I don’t know what happened, but they all expired after the most recent water-change. I didn’t do anything different this time, so I’m not sure why they all died. My frogletts had tiny, itty-bitty legs growing out of their butts finally! I’m so depressed over this LOL! Really! Two months waiting for those damned things to morph, and they just up and die on me. That’ll learn me to CHECK THE FREAKIN WATER next time, sheesh!