Crushed.

I knew this day would come, but I imagined sitting down with a 15-year-old discussing this, not a 10-year-old.

He broke down, sobbing that he wanted to see his biological mother and that he’s angry with us for taking him from her and the life he should have had with her – and my heart broke into millions of tiny glass shards. We had a very serious conversation where I made sure that he understood that his mother LOVED AND WANTED him undeniably – she fought for five years to get him back. There are reasons why she never succeeded, very serious reasons, but he doesn’t need to know those details now, that can be discussed when he is an adult. We have spoken with his therapist and doctor about the details, but I think it would destroy him to know. He knows that she has serious mental illnesses that prevent her from providing a nurturing, stable home. He knows that I also wish that he could have had that with her.

He has also been having the same nightmare for a long time about someone being chained up and severely tortured by a shadowy man, and the screams just kill him. Then the shadowy man comes over and says something to him and he screams until he wakes up. He only told me about these dreams recently after I confronted him about his anger towards me. Then tonight the biological parent thing.

We see the therapist again in early December, so this will definitely be brought up. Something else we have to seriously consider is that this is him pulling out the big guns to fight the program we’ve been following with his team to get his behaviors in check and his holding himself accountable. I’m absolutely sure he does feel hurt, but he is also extremely manipulative and very intelligent and this would be something we wouldn’t put past him. We are keeping level heads and not showing that our hearts are shattered, we can’t. We have to be assuring and positive and stick to the plan 100%.

Parenting his hard. Parenting special needs children is harder. Parenting a special needs child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder? Fucking insanity, but we’re trucking along.

Y’all pray for me, send good juju, positive energy, or whatever your thing is. We need it.

I’ve fallen victim to the social media trap. I gave up venting my feelings here for posting snaps of my #pumpkinspicelife, effectively becoming a #basicbitch mom. Fuck me. I imagine the stress of life finally got to me. I miss recording my thoughts here, but it really is so hard to find time with how everything is. Facebook is easy and fast, and I love how it keeps everyone connected. I also hate how it keeps everyone connected. I don’t give a damn about what my friends’ friends are doing! I tried deactivating my account and got it from all sides about how they need me to stay so they can see pictures of the kids. Fair enough.

I was planning on NaNoWriMo this year, but there’s no way in hell I’ll even be able to attempt it. The year before last I got close to 15k words before our computer died and I just gave up. I’ve been writing here and there and have a short story 98% finished, I will try and post it soon.

I suck so bad at this, but I’ll get better. I’m going in for testing to see if I have ADHD (duh…but I need the diagnosis) and hopefully I can get on some meds to help slow my brain down. I feel like my thoughts are a tangled ball of string. It sucks. I try so hard to be organized and it feels like I’m drowning some days. I’ll get there. For now, there’s Facebook. 😂

Quick updates

 

15, 10 and 3. Time is not just flying, it’s breaking the sound barrier. I need my squishy babies back, they are so grown! Hunter will be driving in a few months and is growing into an amazing man. I’m so proud of him. Jack is almost a pre-teen and is finally doing well enough to brag on lol and Harper just gets more opinionated and sassy as time goes by. I’m doing as well as I can, considering my daily stress level. Jack and I finally got to see the right doctors and we are both making progress. My anxiety isn’t as crippling and his behavior seems to be changing. Baby steps. Jakey Joe is an old pup and it’s starting to show on the poor thing. He’s still just as sweet, but if he doesn’t keep waking me up every 30 minutes to go outside he’s going to drive me insane.

I’ve kinda lost the ability to flow with my writing, ouch. I’ll be back again with more updates and hopefully more progress.

 

My sweet girl is one now. This year has flown by so incredibly fast, it literally feels like a blur. I am so blessed to have my little family. We aren’t perfect, but we love each other with everything we’ve got. Happy birthday to my littlest love!

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It has been a sad day

For our family. Our 2 year old pup went out to potty on Thursday night and disappeared. She’s never left the yard before, so this was definitely unusual. We looked for her all Friday and Saturday, I contacted shelters and vets and the police department, and shared her photo on local Facebook pages. This morning our neighbor from across the road told me she saw a dog on the side of the road, and it was our beautiful pup. She had been hit the night she disappeared and was in a small area hidden from the road by tall grass.

We buried her in a beautiful spot on our property and my husband made a marker for the spot. The boys are devastated, and I’ve been trying to keep myself together for them. Even hubs is upset.

She was such a sweet, loving dog and SO good with the kids. She loved them and they loved her. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a wilder dog, we joked that she had ADHD constantly and were continuously yelling “Layla! Sit!” or “Layla! Stop!” as she jumped like a freakin’ gazelle over one of the kids or the furniture or the counters. Its sure going to be quiet around here.

Rest in peace my love. You were a GOOD DOG. So good, and so loved.

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How?

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My boy. My amazing, brilliant, hilariously entertaining boy. He has a larger than life personality that I adore. He’s at least a full two inches taller than I am and rapidly approaching his father’s height. All this and he’s not quite 13 yet. I vividly remember laying in my hospital bed and stroking his tiny golden-haired head. I can still feel the elation of watching him take his first steps, and the panic, tightened into a hard ball in my belly, when he fell off his skateboard and busted his chin open to the bone. Now I’m worrying about teenage boy hormones and friends and antics that I’m sure would cause me to have an aneurysm if I knew the full story. My boy. Almost a man. I feel like there hasn’t been enough time for this to have happened.

I’m a sucky gardener

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Behold my beautiful sweet yellow cornstalk! A real champion, of which I’m extremely proud. Also the only seed to take root and sprout out of 30 that were planted. Lame, right? There’s always next year. Going to transplant this baby soon, and hopefully harvest a few ears for BBQ one night. Sheesh.

8 months old

And I’m really horrible at updating! In my defence, we bought a house in the country and no longer have internet access. I just recently found out that WordPress has an Android app. Whoops!

Here’s some picspam to make up for taking so long.